Christ on a crusket there are some strange people out there!
Why even as you read this I’m sure you could look around and see an oddball absently picking lint out of his belly button in a packed Internet cafe, and was that woman scratching behind her ear and then trying to subtley smell it without anyone noticing?
Yes it’s not difficult to pick out weirdos by their outlandish little habits and styles, the 25 year old guy with what looks to be a home-screenprinted Michael Bolton hoodie, that you are quietly confident is not being worn ironically… and of course anyone, ANYONE wearing crocs.
But what I wanna talk about in this juicy little series of paragraphs is the other type: the undercover weirdo’s, the ones who seem totally normal on the surface, who seem pleasant enough until all of a sudden BAM! Straight jacket time! Knights of Columbus! call the men in the white coats, because this ones as mad as a gas powered rocking chair!
I’m gonna list a few that many of you may be familiar with:
One of my favourites is the compulsive liar, you know the guy at school whose Dad who lived in Thailand and had the Playstation 3 four years before the Playstation 2 started being developed? his Dad always lived in a 50 bedroom house but it was always on the other side of the world giving you no chance to ever verify whether he really did have a helipad or a robotic unicorn?
Well these guys grow up and continue lying, but the lies usually manifest themselves as things they have done which will always trump what you or anyone else in the room has done.
Any time anyone discusses:
Music? They’ve been the lead singer of a successful Alt Rock band (sort of a cross between Creed and 3 Doors Down).
Cooking? they worked for 3 years as a Head chef in a five star hotel.
Cars? They’ve owned a Holden Commodore, an Audi Quattro, a Ford Fairmont, a WRX, a Mini Cooper S, and of course they’ve done any number of out of control stunts in them all (drove the mini thru a police cadet graduation ceremony hammered drunk, playing NWA’s “F**k the Police at full volume! Imagine that!) and of course they’ve shagged more girls than you, drank more alcohol than you, and held more high paying positions at the age of 24 than most will in their entire lives!
I absolutely love these types, especially when with other likeminded people, I enjoy being able to trade a knowing glance across the room as the horseshit starts to flow… and I’m always mortified when someone calls the liar on the fact that if they spent three years on a Guatemalan oilrig, how did they find time to release a platinum trip hop album and train their pet howler monkey to sing “sweet caroline?”
When cornered however, the liar gets that slightly unhinged gleam in their eye and a creepy half smile, as they try to explain themselves,
“we had a lot of downtime on the rigs, especially when it rained and shit, why? don’t you believe me?”
but inside those words you hear an underlying phrase, I’m gonna fucking cut you for this, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day… And you won’t see me coming.
Writing this next part from a male perspective, I apologise if it comes across as sexist but I’m sure most girls would be able to draw a direct parallel on their side but for now, gentlemen let’s hear it for the gorgeous but insane chick!
You know the girl that you see from afar and think she’s pretty fine until that moment when you’ve talked to her for more than 5 minutes and realise she is 100% certifiably batshit mental?
It’s funny how quickly that shit can turn around huh?
Far far too often, when that girl in the miniskirt gives you the glad eye from across the room, that self assured sexy confidence you see is secretly masking the type of insanity that can send a grown man howling and jabbering into the night with nothing on but a pair of chuck taylors and a rubber dinosaur tail.
Say what you want about painfully attractive people, but in many cases they certainly have it easier than your average bucktoothed Joe Schmoe on the street… since a young age, they have often lived a charmed life, held in awe by doting parents, eager to please classmates, and drooling members of the opposite sex, many will never learn the lessons or develop the important social skills that are required to become a balanced functioning adult. Take this mix of social obliviousness and sense of entitlement, add some crushing insecurity, and tack it all on to an ass that won’t quit, legs that go all the way to the top and a rack that would make Hugh Hefner drop to his knees and weep salty tears of Joy, and you’ve got yourself a very dangerous volatile situation on your hands mister!
The most obvious analogy that springs to mind is this: it’s like a rabid Barbary Ape driving an Aston Martin DB9 down the main street of Surfers Paradise, I mean from the outside it looks amazing, but what sort of damage is it going to inflict if left unchecked!?
I think R Kelly said it best, in the intro to his 1994 smash hit ‘bump n grind’ when he said: “my minds telling me no, but my body, my bodieeeees tellin me yeeeeeeesssss!”
But we all remember R Kelly filmed himself urinating on an underage girl, so I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in any advice he’s giving you to be honest. What? Were you just gonna do anything R Kelly told you? Rookie mistake!
So do yourself a favour as soon as any signs of insanity bubble to the surface, listen to your mind rather than Captain Winky and get the the hell outta there, she would have just ended up screwing around on you with a low rent Trance DJ anyway.
Next up is the self professed bitch, you know the girl that says things like: “this is me, I say what I think, and if you don’t like it then fuck off?”
Lame, and a complete cop out, you saying your a bitch, doesn’t make you a bitch, you making the choice to say bitchy things is what makes you a bitch. Every time you say something you make a decision about what words will come out and the tone in which they are spoken, and if you consistently choose to say whatever you’re thinking without any regard for peoples feelings or social morality, then look forward to a life of failed relationships and bitter unhappiness.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with shooting from the hip from time to time just don’t feed me that
“I am what I am” bullshit, take some resposibility for your actions.
(Again this was focussed around the girls, but obviously guys can be just as terrible at this kind of thing)
There are several more characters that spring to mind,but the last I want to discuss with you is The Scenester.
You know the people who become so obsessed with an aspect of pop culture that they completely change themselves into this weird stereotype?
Word to the wise kids, alternative culture does not exist anymore, getting your lip peirced does NOT make you an individual… Dressing in all black and listening to hardcore music is just as mainsream and run of the mill as listening to Matchbox Twenty with a Harry Potter novel in your hand. Stringing together a bunch of adjectives and putting them on the front of the words “house music” doesn’t make you sound cooler eg: filthy industrial house, loose progressive house, lazy experimentalist house etc. Watching UFC on TV does not make you any tougher. Edward Cullen will never marry you, it’s not because he doesn’t like you it’s because he is a mythical creature, and is a work of fiction. Indy rock is no better or worse than any other genre, so stop being such a smug beardy wanker. And bearing in mind that since not even Ghostface Killah wears XXL silver Wu-Tang jeans, so if your a skinny white dude, maybe you should reconsider your wardrobe choices.
And before you get all up in arms, I know people have a certain sense of style that may make them loosely fit into one of these catagories and that’s fine, just as long as you’re wearing what you wear and doing what you do because you enjoy it and feel comfortable, not pigeon holing yourself as one thing or another so that you either A: fit in with others or B: Make a conscious effort to appear as if you don’t fit in
With being said, if you are looking for an alternative style: Wear the top half of a Gorilla suit, Riding Jodpers, flippers, and one of those Caribbean hats with the tropical fruit on top, drive a Toyota Prius but convert it to a V8, walk around with a Thompsons Gazelle on a lead, and eat nothing but grated cheddar out of the inside of half a basketball. That, my friends is what alternative looks like in this day and age